Dear Darlish ♥

Short Update.

2012-01-21T14:15:00.000-08:00

Sap blog!

It's been a while. Yeah. I guess that's how I should start this conversation. It's been quite a period of time since I've talked about something in this page. Not that I don't bother to do so, it's just... words can't express how complicated I've been feeling recently. So let's just start quite smoothly. Bare with me though if I kinda get myself too random.

How's life so far you may ask? Let's see.... It has been quite... blurry lately. At one time it felt so good but then the next thing you know it, it's just reckless. I don't know what's bothering me. Is it the distance or the doubts? or probably I just missed being around home. I've gone through the phase of adapting myself in this place, but once in a while, the empty spaces fill up the air around me. To prevent myself from feeling so home sick, I filled my time working, overtime. When I say overtime, I mean OVER TIME past my bed time. My abnormal sleeping time and over working timetable worried my house mistress. I've got all my mind maps sticking on my bed room wall of equations and countdowns of examinations. My house mistress came up to me last night and we had a chat through of what was going on with me lately. Not that it was a big problem she said, it's like I'm going through such a great depression. So we had a heart-to-heart talk and I was holding up my tears trying to explain how I was feeling to her. I don't know if she understood what I said cause I went on and on without knowing or realizing what I said. Before she went out, she gave me a look and told me straight that "anxiety is just a thought. Don't let it control you." and wished me a good night and left the room. I closed up my book and looked deep at the pictures of my family and friends hanging on my wall and without me even controlling, my eyes started to shed.

Being in control of my life was everything that I wanted. But at this moment, I just wanna lean on my dad's shoulder and say that I miss him. Give my mom a big warm hug and tell her that I love her. Punch my brothers on their stomach and tell me how a big sissy I am. I just wanna be around home again. I want my best girls to feel the stress with me. I want YOU to understand how I'm feeling right now. but that's just too much to ask when what could be done is just so little. That's how my life has been lately. It's unbearable and hard. As far as it gets, I know I have to do something to get over this feeling. All I need is just TIME. Time to atleast breath in the great moment, time to feel good again. I know behind this big hurricane a rainbow will come, but how long will this hurricane go on. Another 5 years?

Ya Allah... keep me strong. Guide me the way...Shower me your blessings, Ya Rab. Amin Amin Ya Rab.

Happy Anni...oh wait, fudge!

2011-11-26T13:50:00.000-08:00

It's a cold Saturday evening. Everyone's tryna find something interesting to do, but me... I'm here, stranded in my shell, avoiding society cause seriously, I'm breaking down inside. huh.

Today was suppose to be special. Today was suppose to be memorable. Between YOU and me. something that I thought I could atleast cherish though we're million miles apart. It just hurts me to know that this day was only a date waiting to end. I hate the fact you acted as if I was bragging this day out when you know, this was suppose to be an important date. but NO, you ended up saying, "labih jua eh".

Now it's 2 hours till the day changes, and I'm as shit as hell still waiting for a fucking miracle to atleast make you realize. Chances are close to zero and my hope's drying up. Huh... This is not the first time YOU made me feel like this. I've tried my best to avoid this from coming back and thought you'd have a clue, but dang, you're just too much to think about.

So here goes my Saturday night, torturing myself with sad songs and dammit I got no one to cry too. So blog and who ever is reading this, I need a first aid kit. Not just any aid kit. I want it to be Brunei material.

London's Exeat

2011-11-18T15:39:00.000-08:00

Hello folks.

Finally the week has come to an end. As planned, my seniors and I decided to trash this weekend in London. It's not the shopping that I'm fascinate about, but the need of being away from school and get some fresh air from another perspective of the country is what made me feel like coming to this place.

After approximately 4 hours train travel from Harrogate to London's King Cross station with a transit in York, I made it safely in London.

PARA, PARA, PARADISE.

Lately....

2011-11-16T06:56:00.000-08:00

Hello life,
What's up and going you may ask? Well... half of me say it's faaaayn, and the other part of me says otherwise. I'm kinda in a big push lately. November test week just passed by and this week happen to be the week where gradings are up and running. I salute how teachers mark papers here. Fast and steady, so to say.

Well, I've got my grading for my subs though and it's in a range of mark. I'm effin depress how my M1 turn out to be. I guess some stupid bastard possessed the hell out of me. Oh come on. Cut the crap! I shit that paper real bad cause of my own fault. Time management was the most of my problem. I got to cracked up on Chemistry that I forgot to manage my time to even open up my M1 file to get some revising done. HUH. and look how it turned out to be. Honestly speaking, after I finished that test with my heart crying full of useless dreads, all I had to do was hate myself and called my mother. Yeah, I'm a mommy's girl. =.=' Laugh it all out, I don't care. So mom tried to comfort me and say that there's no use to cry things which has already pass. For a second there, it got me thinking. Those words of advice that mom gave me was the words that kept me on and going since then. Every now and then before I kept thinking how worse I was in doing work in class just because I'm not the smartest Asian in class. But now, after that call with mom, I realize, I still have time to get that shot. It's better late than never. So currently, I'm trying the best as I can to get that going. Though it was tough, but I'll try to get myself more motivated. Let's just hope the turn out of this would be as what I expected it to be. Huh, and another thing. Last minute is actually a bad habit of mine ever since, well....Ever. now as I realize how foolish I was in managing my time, guess, I better get rid of that bad habit and start following orders.

okay, that's enough bragging about my school life. I just made myself sound like a dork,*reality,YES* let's skip to that part and go on to the good stuff that I've been through here... So, let's start with the awesome Halloween party I went last month.

YEAP! I dressed as a green hulky witch. It's a long story of where I got the idea to do so, but it turned out to be a success. ;) The mole on my face, NO, that's not real. I wish... HAHAHAHA!

I wanna brag more on my amazing Half term break in London with the most awesomest people there, but it's just sooo much to say. The first time MORA'11 united in BruHall was quite touchy though... It's been 2 months being away from home and having to meet these people and spend the best of time with them made me feel less home sick than before.

So basically, the Half Term was spent with amazing adventures discovering the grand city of London. Though we spent a quarter of it in the study room crapping about our prep and trying to get it done, we blasted the 2 weeks holiday. We didn't waste a day without fun. Seriously.

Memorable moments were the trip we had to Hyde Park, Westfield and some others. I didn't take good pictures when we were in any of those places cause my hands were full. o.O my bad. :pp

What's best about going to London was that I HAD CHICKEN!! I met sexy hot chick...............EN! And darn it, it was SUPERIFICLY DELICIOUS!! (Y) (Y) HAHA!

Let's just stop the story till here. I'll tell more soon. with pictures. PROMISE ;)

KK. <3

Sober.

2011-10-04T13:21:00.000-07:00

What's up blog.
Today was sober. I just got the news that I just made my bestfriend cried due to the fact that I was making a jerk out of myself. It was foolish of me to be one-sided than the other. I should've been more concern.. :'( I'm sorry.

Despite the fact that I got less compact schedule than before, I don't know why I kept having work piling up especially Maths. Every single day I got 2 periods of Maths to 'brighten' up my day. Being in a room full of Asians, yes, I was quite left behind. They're brains are made up of calculator. They solve big numbers like clicking your own finger. It's hard but it's damn easy for them. =__=' so yeah, I gotta just push myself harder to get it right this time. Way different than it was in Brunei.

Speaking of which, after realizing how jerky I was, I kinda miss everyone in Brunei. Not to mention my girls. :'( It feels bad when you know you just let someone you love down. REALLY BAD. It somehow feels the same way as the bacon story. but this time, it's less worse but still bad. :(

I'm sorry :'(

Yadayada.

2011-09-24T07:40:00.000-07:00

Waddup Blog!
It's been a while that I've stopped talking crap about my life on this page. Been quite messy these days with all the works and stuff so yeah, I'm quite handy today so why not take this time out to get my story updated before I get my Mechanics started.

I've started coming to college. It's better if I don't state the name here or else it would be on Google Search for no specific reason. Curious? check up my Facebook, it's all there. Yadayadayada...Oh yeah? College life...hmm, It's quite rough here from the start. I was hard to get myself socialize. Not that I'm not friendly, I just don't feel like talking, that's all. When I start a conversation with some stranger, it kept ending with awkward silence and then they left. It's a cruel world.... Not everyone's like that. There are quite plenty of nice people here too. It's like a cocktail of people all over the world in this school. oh my, did I just made myself sound racist? no no, I don't mean it that way though.

After 2 weeks in this school, I'm finding myself adapting to this place slowly. I somehow could ignore all the stares that people make when they see me. It's definitely because of the head scarf. The first time I came here, people kept shooting me questions with all the head scarf thing and what's hurtful is that, they have NO IDEA where Brunei is. Every conversation always starts with, "Hey, Where are you from?" "Brunei" "Ohhhh..............where is that?" I was like, what?! ==' So yeah, I go yadayadayada talking about my country like some travel agent. I pity my lack of knowledge on the culture of my own country. Then the topic of head scarf came to the conversation. "Why?" "Do you have to wear this all the time?" "Don't you feel hot?" and even better, "I wanna see your hair" hahahaha. I've got cool friends here though. They're funny in their own way. I don't quite talk with the locals here cause they seem to have this "thing" against Asian people talking in their language. So I have to speak up my so-called-British-accent everytime I encounter a talk with them so they could see Asians can speak English as better as they are. Gosh! WhateveR~

Yadayadayada...Oh! my school has this uniform. I look ugly in it. Seriously, I do. I look like a waiter. So by that, I'm NOT going to upload that here. :p he-he -he XD I know, the head scarf the skirt is a really major turn off in fashion. aaaand did I mention about the weather here? Oh my, I feel like living in Iceland *exaggerating much* What I'm trying to say here is that, this place is like a 5 air conditioned small room. Every time the wind hits your face, you could feel your blood frozen inside. It's really cold here. So yeah, as a beginner of wearing tights and skirts, this is not a good place to start it all out. Hahahaha. I was freezing to my bones. But then, as time moves on, I kinda ignore all the shivers my feet make when I step outside house.

talking about house... let's see, where do I start. I've got this room mate. Catherine Deng. yeap, she's from China. I don't quite remember which part of it, but yeah... At first I thought she doesn't understand English cause she's realllly quite. We started with short conversations and on and on we got ourself close to each other cause it happen to be she is a big fan of supernatural. We had this obsession of horror movies. hahaha. Have you seen the trailer of Paranormal activity 3?! GAADD! MUST WATCH! I'll post the video from youtube here... hold on... just a second....

Hahahahahahahahahahahaha! W I C K E D, right?! Damn awesome! XD

so yeah, we got along quite well... Huhuhu... What else? OH YEAH, THE FOOD! SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO NOT GOOD. I eat like a cow here. I mean seriously, I eat VEGES like a gazilion times already. *shadap mal, you've only been here for 2 weeks* oh yeah, ha-ha-ha. But still, I'm craving for NASI KATOK ever since I came here. I want NASI KATOK. I miss NASI KATOK. I want NASI KATOK. HAHAHA!.

SEE! That's just................................. amaaazing!

and all I brought for my survival in this land is.....

Above every complains I make, I just miss the people I left in Brunei. Every moment of the day, I kept myself silent thinking of how great it was having these people around me. Huhu...

Especially, You... <3 :')

2011-07-26T02:59:00.000-07:00

26th July,

EXPECTATION will only lead to BROKEN HOPES.

"I'm dying to know does it kill you as it kills me"

Catching up

2011-07-25T07:10:00.000-07:00

Hello,
Seemingly my days of blues kept coming through recently. There's this small scream inside my heart that I just couldn't explain how. Even if I could, I don't know where actually to start. First things first, I'm sorry for the absence.I've been neglecting this blog since May, and oh oh, would you look at the calender, it's freaking July already. or should I say, almost the end of July.

25th of July, this day brought great memories back in 2009 and 2010. oh yes~ those days... :') It's Mister Hafiz's birthday today. So, I'll give a small shout out here to greet Happy 20th birthday pisbol! :D Nothing much coming from me but a big wish of luck on your upcoming A levels and success in every walks of your life. I'd say I'll miss you, but urm yeah~ you get want I mean.

*deep breath*

Life? Ohkay... where should I start. Before I go blabber on what's going on and what not, please oh please don't get mad at me when I tell you this. What you ask? I know some days before I've promised not to fall again, but you know that of all people that I lied, right? I know this is such a bad habit of me falling to people so easily and then finding it extremely hard to let go. This time, I don't know how describe it. It just happened. All the imperfection he has just made him different from any other guy I knew. by which, I'd rather keep that to myself before letting you guys puke to all my fairy tale dramas.

Back to reality. I got my scholars. Yeay! :') Well, I'm half way there already. What's left to be done is my Medical Check and my Visas. I'm quite excited and at the same time scared. If I could give it in ratio that would be 10 : 90 respectively. Oh yeah, I'm fringing scared! Scared of the future. Scared of the present. Scared of changes, leaving, moving on and etc...

A friend of mine once told me that it's not fair to let someone fall in love and you go away. :'( I'm terribly sorry. I've got no intention to do so. huhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh....

SEE! This is exactly the thing that has been going through me nowadays. I get mood swings easily. I got SOO FRAGILE. Even the smallest thing could bring me to a great emotional breakdown. For one second, I could be as loud as I can be and then I go silence with a thousand and one of things going inside my head in one second. Worried and terrified filled me up. I tried to find an exact explanation why but I end up with none. :/ I can't even understand myself now. GASH!.What have I become?! :'o

May = Sick Month

2011-05-16T05:17:00.000-07:00

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Not my Sunday

2011-05-15T03:44:00.001-07:00

YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW HARD IT IS ~~NOT~~ TO THINK OF YOU, SOMETIMES.

This is me pretending I don't love you anymore.

S.O.S.

2011-05-14T19:51:00.000-07:00

Before I start my Chemistry, let me just spare a minute or two to get this out of my chest. I'm kinda worried about myself lately. I got this emotional breakdown every time people mention about the future. I even have doubts about myself. I sometimes cry with no specific reason. I randomly change my mind. What is it that is going on with me lately? :|

2011-05-14T17:55:00.000-07:00

G'moring!

It's the end of the week and I'm hoping for a good week start for tomorrow. Let's just hope so...

Hang in there.

2011-05-14T04:52:00.000-07:00

Okay. Just so you know, I'm typing this with a big heartache in me and whole lot negativity surrounding me. Today was never the least the WORSE day ever. Not to mention, I missed my girls so bad and I could barely hang out with them as I usually do.

It sucks real bad going home from school but gaining nothing after a whole hectic day. Not to mention the piling works needed to be done. Due dates are coming near and time keeps kicking by leaving more piling works to be submitted.

Well, Alhamdulillah the feedbacks after the STEP meeting was quite well, even though I had to substitute Teacher S and the nick of time as she wasn't feeling well. Syasya and I were the only whites present. What I meant by whites was that, we were the only students attended the meeting. All who were present was mostly teachers in different schools. I was hibernating down and I could feel myself going low as the sun goes down. I had to skip Physics extra class as my condition was really critical.

Thanks to SyaMan, I had a great laugh before my hibernating button was on. I missed my girls so bad. I wanna sit down and have a big laugh with them as I know, time will be leaving without notice. I was suppose to spend my last days with them, not this.... I wasn't expecting anything close like this. Please make this phase of my life move fast. My big tragedy in form 4 is coming back to me.......

Mutual Freedom

2011-05-10T06:23:00.000-07:00

Finally! After a shiz moment tryna go through a life of obstacles of papers and exams, it finally came to an end. Occasionally, I was about to update this blog yesterday, but then, the loading box kept appearing and I felt so gay with all the waiting and so I ended up closing the whole system up.

Anyway anyhow, my 2 hours of sleep didn't pay off quite well the way I expected it to be. Everything was inside my head till I got so many news breaking me down. At that instant, all the words in my head flew away. No, not that I had any emotional break down or what not, it's just that I was surprised that what I thought was just a doubt would be something I would hear in reality. With all the last minute preps and sleepless mind, I tried putting myself focus to what was first to be done before I ruined everything that very moment.

Thankfully, I had every question answered. Well, I know it's not perfectly as what is noted inside the book, but well, it's better than nothing. The very moment I passed the paper up, my heart was torn to pieces. WHAT THE ~~HELL~~ AM I DOING? 2 hours of sleep, and that's the only effort I got?! Like urgh!

As recess approached, I could feel my heart being punched hard with all the shiz that I was hearing. Stories, opinions, options, doubts, truths and lies. It was all there mixed in one and to keep that away from bugging me I put big smile of mine on my face. Laughing was the best cure at that moment cause I don't want people to notice the storm and rain that was hiding inside of me. That's the moment when you realize who was paying attention in your life and who doesn't. As gladfully I could be, my BEN10 girlfriends were there for me. Yes, I get it how girls are emotionally distress when it comes to proving a point. Don't worry shugahs, what ever said and done was for the best of me and you.

Mood was swinging till the last paper ended. I gave a big sound of relief after laying down my pen and lay back on my chair and started thinking.......

BB Baby!

2011-05-08T06:49:00.000-07:00

Blackberry's are just Sexy. GRRRR!

wHO?♥

2011-05-08T06:39:00.000-07:00

❒ Happy ❒ Sad ✔Coffee.

2011-05-08T06:23:00.000-07:00

Okay, today has been the most confusing or might I just say mood swing day ever. I was up on top rising my sunshine in the morning till I fell to my dooms mood in the afternoon. I tried drawing rainbows but ended up scribbling the whole masterpiece. =_______=' with all the stress level climbing up I tried talking to the turtles.Uhmm well... I know it's not much of a help, but yeahh... atleast they were there for me. What's even frustrating is that, I can't get my focus ON for even 1 minute. Like shiz! I was walking here and there at the corridor just tryna find a mood booster to get myself back on track to start revising and theeeeennn, he called! :D oh yeah, my shugah rushing addiction, "COFFEE!"

♥♥♥♥♥

Seriously.

2011-05-08T03:23:00.000-07:00

I was making believe that you were really mine.

and then, things changed. (:

Sunday

2011-05-08T02:40:00.000-07:00

and so my blogging days starts again. I'm feeling kinda off my chin today cause umm ahh.. yeah.

I'll continue posting in soon..